Random musings of a mother gone mad

TWM BLOG

Watch This!

Posted by on Feb 1, 2013 in Uncategorized | Comments Off on Watch This!

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Damn You Bathroom Scale!

Posted by on Feb 4, 2013 in AFGO, THE WORST MOTHER | Comments Off on Damn You Bathroom Scale!

Damn You Bathroom Scale!

Every day we are told to: FACE YOUR FEAR! GET OVER IT. OVERCOME. FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY. Hmmmmmmmmmm, I’m thinking there’s got to be a better way. I give you Exhibit A. The Bathroom Scale. There it is. It’s just a heap o’ metal parts put together to weigh people. Or dogs. Or my purse. (Sometimes I just have to know things, like how much my purse...

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Is My Beauty Embarrassing You?

Posted by on Jan 23, 2013 in THE WORST MOTHER | Comments Off on Is My Beauty Embarrassing You?

Is My Beauty Embarrassing You?

I am beautiful. It’s hard to admit this when the whole world is watching, I know, but that’s just (my) reality. Don’t hate me. And don’t go all Real-Housewives-of-Beverly-Hills on me. There’s no upside to that. Besides, my beauty is unstoppable. I have spent a lot of time honing my beautifulness. And yes, at times, it can be embarrassing to walk out into the world knowing that my beauty is spilling out of me. Did I get any on you? Sorry. I just can’t hold it in any longer. And before you try to burst my...

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Mind Dump

Posted by on Jan 17, 2013 in THE WORST MOTHER | Comments Off on Mind Dump

Mind Dump

How often do you take the time to do a mind dump? Because you won’t believe what’s in there unless you stop to really take a good look ‘n listen! Yesterday I found a to-do list with exactly 59 items, dated March 25, 2008. How the hell did that get in there? AND WHY AREN’T ANY OF THOSE THINGS DONE YET???????????????????? What the fandango?   How much shit do you have in there? How much do you think it weighs? Why is it in there? How did it get in there? Who put it there? Why did I let it in? Why do I keep it there?...

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THIS is how you find ME time.

Posted by on Dec 28, 2012 in THE WORST MOTHER | Comments Off on THIS is how you find ME time.

THIS is how you find ME time.

I need me some me time. “But there is no me in time,” she exclaimed with complete and utter exasperation. Wait… yes there is! Do you see it? (Yes, ‘it’ is also in there. Hint: it’s backwards) Of course, if you don’t know how to find ‘me‘ then you’re going to miss an amazing opportunity for some serious me-time. Okay, let’s back up a little. I can see that finding me is not going to be easy. Let’s practice, shall we? Can you find me in the mess? How about in overwhelmed? Do you see me now? Do...

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HOLIDAY SHOPPING IS NOT FOR SISSIES!

Posted by on Dec 12, 2012 in THE WORST MOTHER | Comments Off on HOLIDAY SHOPPING IS NOT FOR SISSIES!

HOLIDAY SHOPPING IS NOT FOR SISSIES!

ATTENTION HOLIDAY SHOPPERS: THERE IS ONLY ONE DAY LEFT UNTIL ALL THE OTHER SHOPPING DAYS LEFT UNTIL CHRISTMAS AND HANUKAH AND KWANZAA AND MY BIRTHDAY!    This is a problem for me because, once again, I have suffered a shopping injury. It happens every year.  I am very proud of my shopping injuries and love to talk about them to anyone who will listen. Look…  I am what some might call an “elite” shopper… kinda like an Olympian. I train mightily (I admit I forget to stretch sometimes) and I continue to petition the...

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Semper Me

Posted by on Nov 9, 2012 in THE WORST MOTHER | Comments Off on Semper Me

Semper Me

Wherever I go, there I am. I’m pretty sure you can say the same about you. Go check… are you there with you?  See what I mean? No matter how fast you may try to run from you, you can’t lose you. Look over your shoulder and there she is again! Running is futile. Resistance, equally so. Be there for you. You needs you. How can you resist you? Yes, she may be one big hot mess, but what a beautiful big hot mess she is. Give her a hug, dammit! (This message is brought to you by me. What? You were expecting someone else?) Book...

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You Love Me. I know you do.

Posted by on Nov 4, 2012 in Worst Mother | Comments Off on You Love Me. I know you do.

You Love Me. I know you do.

Of course you love me. Seriously, how can you resist? I most certainly can’t resist loving me. Look at that face! And there are TEN more excellently fr’awesome good reasons to love me. (As if you even needed them.) But… even though you may say you love me, is your love unconditional? As in, without conditions? Or… Does it depend on whether I stay within the parameters of your idea of how a _____________ (woman, girlfriend, wife, kife loach, Smart Ass, chocolate-lover, worst mother — pick one) should...

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Why Do You Believe?

Posted by on Oct 19, 2012 in THE WORST MOTHER | Comments Off on Why Do You Believe?

Why Do You Believe?

Have you ever questioned your beliefs? Do you even know what they are? I’m going to go out on a limb here and take a wild guess that, on your 25th birthday, no one told you that you’re on your own now, your brain is fully developed, and that you can now empty it of all the old software that was downloaded in the previous 25 years. All the beliefs that you “inherited” from your parents, relatives, siblings, teachers, Tiger Beat, girlfriends, Harlequin romance novels, boyfriends, the Flintstones, the butcher, the baker,...

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Does My To Do List Make My Butt Look Fat?

Posted by on Oct 11, 2012 in Life Coach | Comments Off on Does My To Do List Make My Butt Look Fat?

Does My To Do List Make My Butt Look Fat?

I recently made the most astonishing discovery. This is going to change the shape of buttocks everywhere!!! To-Do Lists are fattening! Yes. Your To-Do List can make your butt look fat. As in… It actually makes sense. Your ass is a reflection of your mind. If you’ve got a lot of shit going on in your head, your ass is going to try to get your attention. In a BIG way. And it’ll just keep getting bigger ’til you finally pay attention. It’s your body’s way of squealing on your mind. Your body really...

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