Random musings of a mother gone mad

Watch This!

Posted by on Feb 1, 2013 | 0 comments

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step away from the refrigerator

Posted by on Oct 22, 2011 | 2 comments

How many times have you done this with the refrigerator…

You know you’re not hungry.

Yet you keep going back for more.

Well at least somebody finally had the wherewithal to stand up and speak the truth.

Even if it was a stupid fridge.

That can’t really speak.

Isn’t it funny how we say stuff like that to ourselves…

“The fridge is my friend.”

“The food was calling my name.”

“The scale told me I was fat.”

REALLY?

C’mon, let’s tell ourselves the truth my lovelies.

Who’s really telling you this stuff?

‘Cause I’m guessing it’s your inner Laverne.  Or maybe Shirley.

Don’t fall for it.  They’re just messin’ with ya.

It’s their modus operandi.

They think they’re helping you but they’re not.  Because they’re actually children who live in your mind.  They tell you things from a child’s perspective.  Your childhood perspective.

Basically, Laverne and Shirley are a couple o’ freaks. We need to love them, despite their childish ways.

And because…

You are an adult now.

You are all grown up.

You don’t speak to food, or the refrigerator, or the scale.

You speak to You.

You can start to speak the truth.  Your truth.

What’s your truth?

What are you really hungry for?

A fellow adult I know and love and admire once told me (something like):

If hunger isn’t really the freakin’ problem, the freakin’ fridge is not going to be the freakin’ solution.

Find the solution.

Live your life.

Get your ass outta the fridge.


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how to run your life: 240 things (not really)

Posted by on Sep 27, 2011 | 5 comments

This is how to run your life.

I do it.

It works for me.

You should try it.

Because I know what’s best for you.

Ok, so maybe I don’t know what’s best for you, but you can steal my ideas as long as you tell everyone about my brilliance because you know me, I’m a glutton for praise and compliments and anything that combines chocolate with peanut butter.

Here we go:

1. Talk to strangers. Some of the most interesting people are strangers at first. Sometimes you even marry them.

2. When you’re in a dark alley or parking garage or anyplace scary, don’t talk to strangers.

3. Carry mace. And lip gloss. Never leave home without those two things. And your keys.

4. Carry a spare set of keys, just in case you forget the keys in no. 3.

5. Carry a spare can of mace. And lip gloss.

6. Don’t be afraid of too many things.

7. Be kind, especially to hobos, because I have a real penchant for hobos and kindness and penchants in general.

8. Even though hobos are strangers and you ought to be kind to them, keep your mace handy, and do not offer to let them use your lip gloss. Hobos hate lip gloss. They would be insulted.

9. Get on Twitter. Everyone else is.

10. Never follow the crowd.  Unless they’re going to a Stevie Nicks concert, then you should absolutely follow them.

11.  Never make a to-do list.

12.  This is not a to-do list.

13.  Don’t harbor resentment. There is a “me” in resentment… don’t fall for it. Stick up for your self.

14.  In order to not harbor resentment, you have to say NO sometimes.  There is no “me” in no.  That’s a good thing. Otherwise it would look like nome or meno and no one would ever understand you. Saying ‘no’ is hard enough.

15.  If #13 still doesn’t make sense, let me know. It’s pretty deep. Sometimes even I don’t understand my incredible depth.

231. Ignore #s 16 through 230… they weren’t very good.

232. Look in the mirror and ask “what can you teach me today?”

233. Use real sugar. Stop the chemical invasion!

234. Don’t let anyone tell you what to do.

235. Don’t kill anyone.

236. hmmmm. let me see. I’ll let you know as soon as I think of something for 236.

237. Show up. Every. Minute. Of. Every. Day. Period.

238. Use periods for emphasis. They’re so emphatic.

239. When bored, STOP

240. I’m getting bored.

240.  I’m going to stop now.

Pass this on to everyone you know. Everyone. It will improve their lives and, by association, your life will improve exponentially.

Don’t believe me?  (grrrrrrrrr)

Well, here’s the scientific proof!

Now– will you puh-leeeze pass this on.

——————–

Important announcement….

Remember how I was telling you (making excuses) about how busy I’ve been lately, blah blah blah, and it was because of my new website.  Well, that’s still true, but I want you to know that I will be here for a little while longer, that is… until you go over there and get on my Shit List so I can clog up your email with my sheer and utter brilliance and depth.  So worth it, right?  All you have to do is head on over to LinEleoff.com and look for TheWorstMother in the sidebar… then give her your email. (Or go for the RSS feed if that is your preference.) Either way…

You. will. make. her. day. period.

Now, skedaddle.

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hello person(s) of interest to me

Posted by on Sep 14, 2011 | 0 comments

Hey Everybody!

Do you like what I’ve done with the place?

We are still doing twiggles and toggles (scientific terms, don’t worry if you don’t understand).

If you notice something is wonky (this, I believe, is a medical term) please let me know.  Drop me an email from the CONTACT page.

Here is a form letter for you to cut and paste:

Dear TWM

Tell Lin I love what she’s done with the place but I’ve noticed that ________________ is broken/not working/doesn’t meet my standards, and she should FIX IT!

And as for you, WORSTMother, you are so adorable and smart and sexayyyyyyy, I just had to tell you.

Peace baby,

[your (real) name here]

[your credit card number]

[your weight]

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cheese danish addiction

Posted by on Aug 14, 2011 | 0 comments

I learned about The Cheese Danish when I moved to the United States.

It’s not like they didn’t have cheese danish in Canada, but they certainly didn’t have The Cheese Danish.

And when I say there was cheese everywhere, I really mean….

everywhere!

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Call Me Sybil

Posted by on Sep 8, 2010 | 2 comments

I think I have MMPD –Multiple Mother Personality Disorder. How many of ‘me’ are there? Let us count them all, shall we? First of all, there’s Laverne. Laverne is what Martha Beck, author of The Four Day Win, would call my inner Dictator. I would best describe Laverne as, well, a bloody dictator! She says things to me like: “Don’t you dare eat that”; “Be nice”; “Make your kids behave for cryin’ out loud”; and my favorite: “What will people say?” I hate Laverne. Laverne must die. Soon.Then there’s Shirley. Not her real name.
Shirley is my “Wild Child”. She says things to me like: “Go ahead, eat it, you deserve it, you just walked the dog “; “Let’s go shopping”; “Sure the kids can get a tattoo as long as it says MOM”; and my favorite: “Let’s watch Oprah.”
As if having Laverne and Shirley do battle in my head isn’t bad enough, I also have to contend with…Basically, Ruth is my mother by another name.
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