Random musings of a mother gone mad

You Love Me. I know you do.

Posted by on Nov 4, 2012 | 0 comments

Of course you love me.

Seriously, how can you resist? I most certainly can’t resist loving me. Look at that face!

unconditional love

And there are TEN more excellently fr’awesome good reasons to love me. (As if you even needed them.)

But… even though you may say you love me, is your love unconditional? As in, without conditions?

Or…

Does it depend on whether I stay within the parameters of your idea of how a _____________ (woman, girlfriend, wife, kife loach, Smart Ass, chocolate-lover, worst mother — pick one) should behave? Have I ever let you down? (Probably.) Have I ever disappointed you? (More than likely.) What happens to you when I do?

And why do you let that happen? Yes. YOU.

What? You thought it was my fault?

Why would you let me disappoint you? (Um. If I disappoint you, it’s your fault. So there.)

There’s really nothing I could ever do to let you down. If I let you down, it’s because you had expectations of me that I never promised to live up to. So, technically, you really don’t have a leg to stand on– there’s no excuse to not love me.

Even when crazy things come out of my mouth…

discount double check

(Pssst… If I actually do promise to do something and don’t do it, by all means, tackle me to the ground and let me have it… but don’t stop loving me… that would hurt you more than it would hurt me!)

I really don’t want to worry about hurting your feelings. It’s such a slippery slope. I trust myself enough to know that my intentions are always to be as perfect as is imperfectly possible. If I start worrying about pleasing everybody, even you dear reader, then I will get small. I will shrink. You may not even be able to see me anymore.

unconditional love

So. I’m just not gonna worry about it. I’m going to say and do stuff the way I always do. I will probably get it “wrong” sometimes — but that will be up to me to decide. So, if I hurt your feelings, that’s on you. It’s up to you to decide if your feelings get hurt. Which means, I just keep doing my thing and you can just keep on loving me, no matter what. Why not?

What is unconditional love and why should you love me that way?

Well, it most certainly isn’t for my sake. I’m cool with it if you decide to not love me anymore. In fact, you have my permission to not love me. (That would be a huge mistake on your part. Again — look at the face!)

Howevah…. why would you want to do that? That’s not going to be good for you. You don’t love people for their sake, you love them for your sake. You love them because it feels better for you. Because not loving me is going to feel like there’s a great big hole in your heart.

unconditional love

And vice versa. This totally goes both ways. I love you. You don’t have to do anything for me to love you. In fact, you have no say in the matter.

i love you

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Help. I have a shopping injury!

Posted by on Dec 19, 2011 | 1 comment

OMG, with only a few shopping days left ’til Christmas, I am in big BIG trouble. 

Despite my best efforts to be in shape for the holiday season, I have a shopping injury. 

Ahem, another shopping injury. 

Yes, I keep track. 

As you may know from previous posts, I am a most excellent shopper. Remember the time I petitioned the International Olympic Committee, begging them to make shopping (something I consider to be a bona-fide  contact sport) an official summer AND winter olympic sport?

I am proud to say that I am considered one of shopping’s elite athletes. And noooooo, I do not take performance enhancing drugs.

Steroids are for sissies. 

This is me fantasizing about winning ALL the olympic medals, as in: all the gold, all the silver, all the bronze. (Don’t pay attention to the mean heckler. I have no idea where she came from. Wait, is that my mom?)

I approach Christmas shopping with a vengeance never before seen in the human world. I attribute this to my grandmothers, who lived by the motto SHOP OR DIE.  

Translated, this means: 

Or maybe…

My Bulgarian grandmother’s favorite designer was John Deere. 

For my Italian grandmother, it was Mr. Clean. 

On Saturdays they would often fight over which one got to take me with her.

One good thing is that now I have arms that are much longer than most, allowing me to swipe up bargains from a distance. 

Sometimes I don’t even have to get out of the car. 

 

But now I have an injury, and it’s hampering my final sprint to the holly jolly finish line, which I should’ve crossed days ago.  Actually, I think it might be a flare up from that old 1994 incident in which I hurt my knee while lunging for a weed whacker at an impressive Ace Hardware sale o’ the century. 

Boy, was I naive back then. Unlike today, I never wore protective gear. 

Yes, times have changed since I became an olympic level shopping athlete.

But there’s one thing that never changes. 

The sound of blood coursing through my veins when I hear that magic word…

 

Am I the only one who feels this way? 

Have you ever heard the sound of blood coursing through your veins?

 

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‘Anger Hell’ Really Pisses Me Off!!!

Posted by on Apr 13, 2011 | 10 comments

Anger is overrated.

Anger is what we do when we’re lazy about our feelings. When we can’t be bothered to go deeper to figure out what’s really going on inside our heads.

And it’s often not at all about what it seems to be on the surface.

But…

If….

(and it’s a really big if)

…we can catch ourselves before the ‘ROARRRRR’….

And just get curious about what’s really going on… about what’s REALLY buggin’ you…

No. No. No. Don’t fall for that. That’s just a trick your mind is playing on you to save you the effort of digging deeper. Your mind wants to stay angry, because it can’t be bothered to do the heavy lifting required to figure this out.

But if you could just ask….

“What’s going on inside my head?”

You might just find out something your mind has been working very hard to get you to ignore. It wants you to look on the outside, to blame someone else, something else.

I know, I know, it’s so much easier to be mad at other people, even if you don’t even remember why you’re mad.

But if you let it, your mind will keep you in Anger Hell. Forever.

And that just blows.

You know, the WORST Mother can get very lazy about what’s going on inside her head.

Because, sometimes, it can look like this…

“What’s all that SH!T doing inside my head??????????????????”… the WORST mother asks, trying really hard to get curious.

“WAIT!”… she says, suddenly full of curiosity. (She’s so good at becoming curious!)

“That looks like the inside of my closet” …she will often say, completely and utterly perplexed.

“And my car”… she adds, scratching her head.

“And my make-up drawer“… she moans, curiosity giving way to frustration.

“And my frig”… she says, raising her voice, as she teeters into a pissed off state.

“And my pantry”…she exclaims with vehemence and exasperation and a whole bunch of other emotions that rhyme with discombobulation.

Ruh. Roh.

“And my life!!!”

“$%#@”… she explodes. So much for curiosity. (I said she was good at getting curious… staying there is another matter.)

Bless her heart. She tries.

But then….. eventually…

Ah-haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Some relief. A letting go.

Surrender.

And suddenly, a voice inside her head breaks through all the clutter and says…

Seize the AFGO… a.k.a.

Another. Freakin’. Growth. Opportunity.

An opportunity to shift.

To get back to curious.

To get to know yourself.

To grow up.

Seize it, dammit.

Because anger is not a very sophisticated emotion. Especially when it’s used defensively.

And it’s often just a cover up. A catch-all emotion. For when you can’t be bothered to get to know yourself.

Or to find out what’s really buggin’ you.

Take the time to FEEL what’s behind the anger.

Because it’s not about the dog.

Or the kids.

Or the husband.

It’s about the sh!t you say to yourself that is not very nice.

It’s always about you. It’s about how you hurt you.

Isn’t that perfect?

Isn’t that such a relief?

Lose the anger.

Make friends with yourself.

Seize the AFGO.

And never settle for anger again.

——
*Today’s post was brought to you by the emotions anger, frustration and all the ones that rhyme with discombobulation.
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How To Lose Weight In Your Head with The AFGO Diet

Posted by on Feb 20, 2011 | 10 comments

I used to have a really big head.

99% of my weight was in my head.

Like most people, I had a lot of sh!tty thoughts I was carrying around since I was a zygote. This caused my head to get really big. I mean really really big.

Pissed me right off.

The average head weighs about 11 pounds. Mine weighed 111 pounds. That’s a lot of excess noggin to carry around all day long.

So, I decided to lose some of the excess weight in my head. I wanted to shed the so-called baggage so many of us carry around.

What I discovered surprised me.

I had a lot of bags. And they were packed pretty tight.

This is an MRI of my head before I put it on a diet.

Yikes, those suitcases were packed pretty darn tight in there.

And they were so colorful. No wonder I became so attached to them.

No wonder my head felt so heavy.

On some days I could barely get it off the ground.

I decided to put my head on a diet. However, instead of pounds, I was going to shed some of the thoughts that were packed so neatly and tightly (and colorfully) into all that baggage in my head.

I put myself on the Get-That-Shit-Out-Of-Your-Head diet. Also known as….

The AFGO* Diet.

Basically, it goes something like this:

Pick a thought, any thought, and work it baby. Work it out. Shake it, roll it, crunch it, just like you would do in a gym for your abs. And then…

Starve it.

How do you starve a thought? By refusing to believe it unless you know that it’s absolutely positively without-a-doubt YOU COULD PROVE IT TO EINSTEIN…

A FACT!

And even then you may not want to bother with it.

Let’s face it, you don’t go around all day reciting facts.

Unless you’re me.

Hence, we have choices to make. What kind of thinking are we going to allow into our heads?

Facts? Thoughts? Beliefs?

Which facts? Which thoughts? Which beliefs?

This takes a conscious effort. You are going to be testing the thoughts and beliefs you acquired through osmosis.

First, let’s clarify.

A fact is undisputable and provable.

A thought can be a fact or something you make up or choose to believe.

A belief is a thought you keep thinking. A belief is not a fact.

Your thoughts and beliefs create your reality.

Your reality is what you choose it to be, based on the thoughts and beliefs you allow to swim around in your head.

If your reality sucks, you’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do.

To yourself.

In her book Self Coaching 101, Brooke Castillo teaches how to run your thoughts through a five-step process that’ll help unpack all that baggage. Brooke calls this the Self Coaching Model, and it works like a charm: Name the circumstance; identify the thought that it triggers; recognize the feeling that goes with the thought; then notice the action you want to take when you feel that way. The end result is always related to your original (icky) thought.

You know how I love a good math problem, so here is my rendering of Brooke’s model as a mathematical formula.

Notice all that commotion around the T? Why do you suppose that is?

BECAUSE ALL YOUR POWER LIES IN THE T. FIX THE T AND YOU WILL GET THE R YOU WANT.

Simple math. (I am so good at math. This is a belief I have because I keep thinking the thought. I don’t care if you believe me. I like this thought.)

Our old thinking patterns are often triggered by present day circumstances, but if we pay close attention to the triggers, we can clean up our thinking and subsequently our reality.

For example…

I have a client, we’ll call her Esmerelda Von Glick, (is that not the coolest name?–I wish it were real) who often gets triggered when in the presence of her mother. Let’s start with the circumstance that triggers the thinking that sends Esmerelda into a tizzy.

Circumstance: Esmerelda’s mother often makes comments about her daughter’s weight. (Note that the circumstance is always a fact… Esmerelda’s mother actually said the words: “Ezzy, if you lose 30 pounds you would look so pretty”).

Kapowie!

Esmerelda has a hissy fit the size of __________ (insert the name of something really really big here because I can’t think of anything big enough).

Why does Ezzy have a fit? Because whenever her mother tells her she should lose weight, Ezzy thinks “My mother hates me because I’m fat.” And even after her mother is long gone, Esmerelda continues to think:

My mother hates me because I’m fat.

I hate my mother.

Everybody hates me because I’m fat.

I hate everybody.

I hate me.

While it is a fact that Ezzy’s mother often makes comments about her daughter’s weight, it is not a fact that her mother hates her; that Ezzy hates her mother, that everybody hates Ezzy, or that she hates herself.

These are just thoughts. Which have become beliefs. Because Ezzy keeps thinking them.

When she has these thoughts, Ezzy feels sad, lonely, depressed. The feelings are real, even though the thoughts are all in her head. Like those pretty little suitcases I had in my head.

What does Ezzy do when she feel sad, lonely, depressed? She eats. The result? She gains weight. Ezzy sees the weight gain as evidence that her fatness makes everyone hate her.

Ezzy could spend her whole life in painful thoughts like this. Or she could use this as an AFGO* moment!

How?

Ezzy can change her thinking around her mother’s comments.

‘Cause she ain’t nevah evah gonna change her mama!

I’m not saying this is simple.

But it can be.

It’s all up to you.

Self Coaching 101 teaches you how to take back the power you have to create a better reality for yourself. It shows you how to clean up your thinking.

You can’t change your circumstances, but you can change the way you think about them.

Back to Esmerelda Von Glick (whom I’d like to tell you is a very famous princess in Sweden but I would be lying): Here is a fast-forward version of how we worked together to clean up her thinking.

Circumstance: Her mother says: Ezzy, if you lose 30 pounds you would look so pretty.

Ezzy’s new thought: My mother worries about my weight.

Ezzy’s new feeling: Loved by her mother, (even when her mother is annoying as hell.)

Ezzy’s new action: She goes for a walk.

Ezzy’s new result: She feels loved.

Okay, I know this a big leap from when she started but over time and with practice, Esmerelda, the Princess of Her Own Life, has created a better reality for herself. Her mother hasn’t changed, but Ezzy has!

How freakin’ cool is that?

Try it yourself and comment below… I’ll help if you need it.

1. Start with the circumstance (fact).

2. Name ONE thought that it triggers. (You’ll do this for each thought that you have.)

3. What feeling(s) does this give you.

4. What action do you take; that is, what do you do, when you feel like this.

5. What is the result of your action?

Get to work my lovely people.

Not only will this work make you lose weight in your head, but it will also make all your wildest dreams come true.

*AFGO=Another F***ing Growth Opportunity

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Why I Suck at it SOMETIMES!

Posted by on Dec 18, 2010 | 10 comments

Today didn’t start off quite right.

I woke up with that feeling of not knowing where I was, who I was, or more importantly, WHY THERE WAS A MAN SLEEPING IN MY BED!

Next I heard blood curdling screams from children who were calling out for their mother– who had obviously gone AWOL.

What kind of mother does that?

AND THEN it hit me.

Followed in quick succession with….

I had awoken to a nightmare!

I just wanted to get back under the covers and hide.

Maybe I could just stay under the covers and hide all day. Maybe all those strange people in my house would go away.

HUH? How does that make sense? Let Dad sleep?

Oh yes I would!

So it was that right there under the covers I had a little pity party for myself. You know how it goes…. why me?… I wish I could… why don’t they all… wouldn’t it be nice if… why can’t everything be the way I want it, whenever I want it???

I really am the WORST MOTHER, ever!

And then… I did what I knew I had to do.

I got a grip.

This is my life. I chose it. I MADE IT just the way it was.

Sometimes I have to remind myself how much I really love it.

“Kids! Come to mommy!”

Next on the agenda…

Create a great day today.

I can do that. I have the power!

Hope you create your best day today!

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