Random musings of a mother gone mad

did someone just say the d-word?

I’m going all Sarah Palin again people.

As in: ROGUE.

So put your helmets on. Brace yourselves. Grab onto a tree.

Because I’m going on a d-d-d-d-d-d-d-diet.

The Smart Ass Diet

Jeesh, when did “diet” become such a monster of a four-letter word? You’d think it was the f-word.

going on a diet

this is what a diet looks like when left unchecked

No one wants to even say the d-word anymore.

Real women don’t say the word diet. 

Real women don’t go on a diet. 

Diet has the word ‘die’ in it. That can’t be good.

If you go on a diet you’ll never have cake ever again!!

Okay, okay, let’s all calm down, little ones. It’s just a word. There there now.

Oh… I have an idea. How about we re-define the word DIET. For those of you who get all sweaty and clammy at the mere mention of the d-word and the images of deprivation and starvation it conjures up, I have a (diet) pill for that.

Here, take this: 

Life Coach Pill

take this pill with 42 glasses of water

Feeling better?  Good, because here is the NEW AND IMPROVED Smart Ass definition of the word DIET:

-Clean eating, i.e. food you love to feed your body, not some #$&@ from someone named Jenny who doesn’t even exist. (Sorry if you’re a Jenny fan… but you know you can’t last on that goop forever.)

-Eating when your body signals you are actually, physically hungry. Note: sadness, frustration, anger, and PMS symptoms do not qualify as hunger. 

-Stopping when you are comfortably satisfied. This feels good. This comes between “I’m still kinda hungry” and “oh no, I feel like I just ate the south of France.”

-No deprivation.  No shit. 

In other words: the way a honey badger eats, minus the green snakes.

Smart Ass Honey Badger

Did you know the honey badger is the Smart Ass of the animal kingdom? That’s because:

a)  She knows what she wants;

b)  She always makes sure she gets what she wants;

c)  Getting what she wants always makes her feel good;

d)  She doesn’t give a shit what any other animals think, because it’s all about her. Always.

I’m pretty sure I was a honey badger in my previous life.

In my present life, as a honey badger disguised as a human, I like to ask myself these questions:

1. What do I (really) want? (This cannot be what someone else wants for me. Like my mother.)

2. Why do I want it? (The answer must give me a positive feeling.)

3. What exactly do I have to do to get what I want? (Because a goal without a plan is a dream, my precious poppet.)

4. How will this serve my big picture goal? (This ensures I am aligned with my even bigger purpose of saving the world!)

5. Can I do this and remain blissfully unaware of what other people are thinking and saying, or how they are behaving towards me? Because that is the hallmark of a true honey b.


Unawareness is underrated.

So, here’s how I came to re-invent the word “diet” for myself.

I answered the 5 key questions:

1. What do I want?  I want to be the fittest and healthiest I can be today. Not how I was ten years ago, but for how my body is today.

2. Why do I want it? Because I want to honor my body since it does so much for me. To wit: it takes me to Starbucks; it gave me four babies; it kicks people in the shins when I want it to; it helps me type on my ‘puter so I can write things like this crazy-ass blog post, etc. and so on and so forth.

3. What exactly do I have to do to get it? I have to think like a honey badger, i.e., I have to want to want what I say I want. I have to want it so badly there is no stopping me from getting it. I have to be so inspired to do the things that will get me what I want that even hell + high water will not be able to stop me.

The Smart Ass Diet

I cannot be stopped

4. How will this serve my big picture goal?  My big picture goal really is to save the world. I shit you not. In order to save the world in the most efficient manner, it would behoove me to be in the best physical and mental shape I can be. I’m cool with that. (Try to use the word “behoove” today… it makes you sound brilliant!)

5. Can I do this and remain blissfully unaware of what other people are thinking?  You know, I  truly do love the muggles, but I care not what they think.

There you have it.

Diet. There’s an ‘i’ in diet. And as we all know by now, it’s all about i.

Hey… do you want to do this with me?

You can, if you want to.

Actually… only if you really really want to.

YES?  click here.

NO?  don’t click here. 

PS: It really would behoove you to clickety click one of those.