Random musings of a mother gone mad

how to run your life: 240 things (not really)

This is how to run your life.

I do it.

It works for me.

You should try it.

Because I know what’s best for you.

Ok, so maybe I don’t know what’s best for you, but you can steal my ideas as long as you tell everyone about my brilliance because you know me, I’m a glutton for praise and compliments and anything that combines chocolate with peanut butter.

Here we go:

1. Talk to strangers. Some of the most interesting people are strangers at first. Sometimes you even marry them.

2. When you’re in a dark alley or parking garage or anyplace scary, don’t talk to strangers.

3. Carry mace. And lip gloss. Never leave home without those two things. And your keys.

4. Carry a spare set of keys, just in case you forget the keys in no. 3.

5. Carry a spare can of mace. And lip gloss.

6. Don’t be afraid of too many things.

7. Be kind, especially to hobos, because I have a real penchant for hobos and kindness and penchants in general.

8. Even though hobos are strangers and you ought to be kind to them, keep your mace handy, and do not offer to let them use your lip gloss. Hobos hate lip gloss. They would be insulted.

9. Get on Twitter. Everyone else is.

10. Never follow the crowd.  Unless they’re going to a Stevie Nicks concert, then you should absolutely follow them.

11.  Never make a to-do list.

12.  This is not a to-do list.

13.  Don’t harbor resentment. There is a “me” in resentment… don’t fall for it. Stick up for your self.

14.  In order to not harbor resentment, you have to say NO sometimes.  There is no “me” in no.  That’s a good thing. Otherwise it would look like nome or meno and no one would ever understand you. Saying ‘no’ is hard enough.

15.  If #13 still doesn’t make sense, let me know. It’s pretty deep. Sometimes even I don’t understand my incredible depth.

231. Ignore #s 16 through 230… they weren’t very good.

232. Look in the mirror and ask “what can you teach me today?”

233. Use real sugar. Stop the chemical invasion!

234. Don’t let anyone tell you what to do.

235. Don’t kill anyone.

236. hmmmm. let me see. I’ll let you know as soon as I think of something for 236.

237. Show up. Every. Minute. Of. Every. Day. Period.

238. Use periods for emphasis. They’re so emphatic.

239. When bored, STOP

240. I’m getting bored.

240.  I’m going to stop now.

Pass this on to everyone you know. Everyone. It will improve their lives and, by association, your life will improve exponentially.

Don’t believe me?  (grrrrrrrrr)

Well, here’s the scientific proof!

Now– will you puh-leeeze pass this on.

——————–

Important announcement….

Remember how I was telling you (making excuses) about how busy I’ve been lately, blah blah blah, and it was because of my new website.  Well, that’s still true, but I want you to know that I will be here for a little while longer, that is… until you go over there and get on my Shit List so I can clog up your email with my sheer and utter brilliance and depth.  So worth it, right?  All you have to do is head on over to LinEleoff.com and look for TheWorstMother in the sidebar… then give her your email. (Or go for the RSS feed if that is your preference.) Either way…

You. will. make. her. day. period.

Now, skedaddle.

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